Not excited enough?

The last couple of days I feel like I’ve been sleepwalking. My whole life I’ve had insomnia for various reasons: reading under the covers as a kid, fear & anxiety as a kid and adolescent, anxiety anxiety anxiety as an adult, grad school, whatever, you name it, I have an impressive ability to withstand sleep. Well, not any more! Yesterday I had to leave work early because of morning/ all day sickness. I came home to lie down and almost immediately fell asleep. I woke up around 5 and fell asleep again about 8, and had a hard time waking up this morning at 8:30. It is pretty amazing. In fact, it’s 11 o’clock now and while I napped this afternoon, I am already feeling dazed! This baby is doing me in.

We saw our baby for the first time yesterday. Went to Planned Parenthood, where they acted really weird, maybe because we were all posi about keeping the baby and they don’t do prenatal care. I wanted to support them by going there for baby stuff but I guess that piece isn’t their thing. It’s ok with me; I could just feel the tension in the room. A buzzer went off and almost everyone jumped; I heard the people behind the desk talking about how much it frightened them. I felt sad about it. I hate that this is the kind of country where reproductive health is policed by fundamentalist vigilante terrorists. At least, that seems like an appropriate term to describe the people who bomb and set fire to and harass and shoot abortion providers and clinics and the people in need of health care who visit them. The place I go for primary care used to provide abortions until someone set fire to it in the late 90s/ early 2000s and their insurance coverage became too expensive. This hate for women’s liberation is despicable and pathetic and in some ways gives me really conflicted feelings about carrying this pregnancy to term. I need to keep reminding myself that it is a choice, that I *have* a choice, and I’m not just giving them what they want (one more white baby). I would like to invent a bloody tampon catapult that can hit them square in their old white man faces. Maybe that’s what I’ll do with my placenta. They should love it, it’s what they’re obsessed with anyway.

Anyway, back to the baby… (it’s so hard to stay focused, and I have so many feelings normally about this, let alone NOW with the pregnancy hormones!). We did an ultrasound to figure out how far along we were, and saw their little heartbeat! It was just a faint flutter. I couldn’t see it at first. It feels weird to get so emotional about a fetus/ fetal tissue when I so adamantly believe in reproductive freedom, but there’s the conflicting feeling. I’m choosing this little one, and that makes all the difference. J was incredibly cute and put the ultrasound photos he took for his wallet on the fridge, which I saw this morning. He is being so sweet to me. It is really wonderful to feel that connection with him, and to imagine him as a dad. He will be really good at it.

I feel like everyone around me is way more excited for me and about this than I am. It’s kind of weird. It is going to be what it’s going to be; I want a kiddo and will do my best with this little one. At the same time, I’m exhausted and nauseous and panic at the thought of childbirth. So — you know, if “the stork” delivered babies without any of that other stuff, I’d probably be a lot more pumped.

I have been thinking, though, about what this can mean to me. In a sacred way, transformative way, whatever. I’m coming to terms with what this means around adulthood and self-discipline. It’s really requiring me to own my shit in a way I haven’t in a while. If I want a Ph.D, I am going to have to fight for it, probably in a lot of ways against myself as much as anyone else. Fight against fatigue, against compromise, against people-pleasing. I want this kiddo and I want a Ph.D and if others can do it so can I. I have to keep reminding myself of this, because it feels pretty overwhelming and frighteningly far away all of a sudden, when I worked so hard to bring it close. I feel very sad about this.

Having this kid is not an easy choice for me. Given the political climate and what’s happening to the environment, part of me feels it’s unethical to have a child. But another part of me is curious, excited to share things with a little one, excited to love a little one, to let myself be changed by their presence in my life, to love J in new ways when I see him as a father. What a gnarly, fast-paced, tumultuous ride 2016 has been. It’s seen the most major changes of my life in one year. Married, thesis, graduation, pregnancy. Not to mention the larger political shitshow and important, heartwrenching grassroots work. All in one damn year. I had about two months to try and recover between the end of grad school and this news. I hope the baby is ok being born into this world. That might be one of the things I’m most afraid of.