Worrying about family dynamics

Yesterday I got an email from my father asking J’s parents’ names. Meanwhile, J’s parents (and detail-oriented grandma) have my father & stepmom’s names, addresses, & everything else practically memorized, and send them regular holiday cards ever since the wedding. It’s especially embarrassing for my parents, since my stepmother is friends with J’s mother on social media and spent many hours with her during wedding planning/. Unfortunately, the rudeness of their low prioritization (I’d like to think it’s simple forgetfulness, but knowing my dad & stepmom that feels more wishful than realistic) of connection with J’s family does not surprise me. At the same time, I’m glad they are making the effort to reciprocate holiday cards.

I am still dealing with a lot of anger from some of the dynamics around our wedding, which my parents offered to pay for (an offer we should not have accepted). The biggest issue for me is that they expressed anger that I did not want to invite a family member to our (very small, under 50-person) wedding who sexually abused me and my sibling. It was “socially awkward” for them. My stepmother hasn’t spoken more than a few words to me since I made the decision not to invite him. This should not be surprising, but it stings nonetheless. Last year she and my father moved to Florida (about as far from my sister and me, as well as stepmom’s less-favorite son, as possible in the continental United States) to live near his family, at least in part because they are tremendously wealthy and offer the chance for my father and stepmom to maintain a façade of wealth. My dad said the thing he was most excited about around the move was “being closer to family” (meanwhile, my sister lives in the city they were moving from). My father knew about the ongoing abuse when it happened and did nothing, which he also did when many of his sisters viciously bullied and spread lies about me as a young teenager (apparently the spark was that I got into a secondary school they wanted their kids to get into). He repeated this approach to “parenting” when his other child needed help for addiction and self-harm as a young teenager. He’s a very, very passive and self-centered person. I had a better relationship with him for a while as a young adult, but when he remarried that connection dwindled and was lost, despite my attempts to keep it.

Anyway, when I received that email, it brought up a fear I have that our child will be treated as pretty meaningless to that set of their grandparents. J speculates that they might not even see them for the first few years of the baby’s life. I hope that’s not true, but certainly seems possible. We receive texts on holidays, sometimes a card, and they send presents at Christmas and sometimes birthdays. I want my child to feel loved and valued, to never doubt their worth, and I am afraid that my family’s deep dysfunction around money and love will impact that. At the same time, if the child doesn’t know them, they may not care much about whether or not those grandparents accept or love them. At least, this is my hope. Fortunately, my parents-in-law are very invested in family. Unfortunately, my parents-in-law also embrace racial and gender stereotypes. I don’t want my child to ever internalize messages about who they are or can be, let alone a sense of inferiority or superiority, because of shit adults around them project based on their genitals or skin. I don’t know how we are going to manage this, but we have to try. One way we’re hoping to minimize the pink/blue caregiving/exploring dichotomous garbage is to withhold info on the baby’s sex and ask for yellow and green gifts, and toys that promote learning. I think J’s parents will respect this, even though they may not understand it. When she is more engaged, my stepmom is also pretty invested in these stereotypes, so that’s a concern too I suppose. My parents have not called us once, or contacted us at all, except to ask when they can announce they will be grandparents to my father’s siblings. Meanwhile, J’s parents are renovating part of their home to make a nursery (to encourage us to visit and give them time with their grandchild), have already come for a visit (with many baby-related gifts), and are planning a shower involving his side of the family. The difference is stark.

Luckily, this baby will have very engaged aunties (my sister and her soon-to-be wife), and a wide circle of supportive friends who understand and share our values, and who are excited to support a little one in this world. It’s amazing how pregnancy and parenting can bring up issues you thought you laid to rest as a young adult. It’s like getting to experience some of those relationships all over again, except this time it’s through your child’s eyes, and you have some agency and ability to protect them. I hear from my coworker KM that it’s healing. I hope it will be. I’m worried that the very precarious connection with my father will be lost if he can’t step it up and show some real love for his grandchild. I don’t think I could forgive him for that.